If you think about it from a higher perspective, isn’t it funny how some adults still don’t know how to play nicely with each other?
It’s sad but true. Sometimes kids that are mean, entitled, selfish or bullies grow up to be adults that are mean, entitled, selfish and bullies. It can be difficult to not react when, as adults, they now have the perceived capability of wrecking your family, damaging your career or ruining your name.
The thing is…they don’t really have that capability. It is perceived by us. Our subconscious, or ego, perceived a threat. It’s only when we react to them that our family, rationships, homes, health and careers are in jeopardy.
That’s why we all need to learn to rise above it.
You’re not going to be judged by someone else’s behavior. You’re going to be judged by your own.
Rising above it sounds easy until you’re in that situation where someone is wreaking havoc on your life. Especially those toxic narcissists who really know how to manipulate. It’s hard to realize you’re getting sucked in. You may actually even believe you’re helping them. It’s only obvious that it’s a bad situation when things start to fall apart. Then it can be hard to get out.
I’m writing this post because I want to give you a fair chance. I want to give you some tips that I learned the hard and slow way so that you don’t have to go through trauma and turmoil when some bully enters your life.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a relative, coworker, even your boss who is the trouble maker. These tips work for all situations. Just tweak them to fit your needs.
I’ve been working on this post on and off for a while because I really want it to be beneficial and get it right. Here’s what I came up with.
This is going to seem like a no brainer but trust me when I say that this takes practice and patience. We don’t think we’re the ones getting wound up or participating in drama. We feel like we’re being dragged into drama.
That is just not true. I know it can seem hard to believe but we get worked up because we allow ourselves to get worked up. People treat us poorly because we allow it. Let that really sink in.
Here’s how I now view life and my goals: I focus on my own well-being, goals and life every day. I constantly ask myself in everything I think, say and do, “is this bringing me closer or further from my goals?” then I adjust accordingly.
The second half to that is that I now think that anything that isn’t part of the life I want to create is just background noise. That includes but is not limited to: drama at work, other people’s problems, anything not involving my personal life. I learned to step away from the stuff that doesn’t pertain to me or my family.
I have empathy for others and if there’s something I can do to help, I will but I do not get emotionally involved. That is the key difference.
Don’t just read this. If you really want to change and stop getting involved with the “wrong” people (I don’t really believe people are wrong. They just may be wrong for you or me. They have their own issues they need to deal with) then you’ll have to put this and the other steps into practice.
Just like I mentioned above that ask myself if whatever I’m doing is bringing me closer or taking me further from my goals, I have to check in with myself to identify what I’m feeling.
If you remember from this post on reacting and thinking from our higher selves rather than ego, it applies tenfold for when you’re in a conflict.
When we think from our ego we become defensive and emotional. We burn bridges, act out our anger, can be hurtful to others (or mentally beat ourselves up, feel guilt, shame, etc).
So when someone says or does something that upsets you and you have a strong emotional response, it’s super important to step away from the situation, get grounded and centered.
You’ve probably heard the word “triggered” a lot more in the past few years on social media. I know I have. I didn’t understand it at first and thought it was an excuse to act a certain way. It is not that at all!
We all have triggers. Anything that causes a strong emotional reaction has triggered you. The good news is that even though, in the moment, you may feel out of control, you can get in control of your triggers.
You do this by looking inward. When you have that emotional response (anger, fear, sadness, feeling taken advantage of, defensive, etc), make a mental note of it.
When you get calmer you can and should do some introspective work and think about the situation, identify the trigger and your first emotional reaction.
You’ll need to look into your past and identify traumas that caused you to build up this unhealthy, poor, defensive coping mechanism. It often stems from childhood or a time in your life you felt powerless. You weren’t taught (so didn’t develop) positive coping mechanisms so your immature mind did the best it could at the time by shutting people out, beco.inf defensive, acting out of anger or creating a fight or flight feeling (or whatever else it came up with).
Knowing your triggers, stepping away from an emotionally charged situation and learning positive coping skills goes a long way to emotional stability and maturity.
The last tip is to own your power. That has everything to do having the confidence to say no and having clear boundaries.
It is possible and necessary to identify why you get into situations with toxic people or takers. Blaming others isn’t the answer. Holding grudges isn’t the answer. Building up walls and no longer trusting people isn’t the answer. It’s a matter of finding out what better coping and boundaries you can learn and recognizing what situations you need to step away from for your highest good.
The world isn’t a bad place. People aren’t all bad. We’re all just doing the best we can with the knowledge we have. Sometimes that knowledge doesn’t line up and we clash. Some people come together when they haven’t learned positive coping. They come together each with their own bad habits and just can’t relate or keep going around in circles with the same type of situations.
If you find yourself in conflict situations, try the tips above and more. Find ways that you can learn more about why you react the way you do. When we know better we do better.
May this find you happy and well. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.
Comment below if this was helpful or you have requests or suggestions for future blog posts.